Funny Watchtower Teaching

Matthew 24:45-51 (New World Translation): "Who really is the faithful and discreet slave whom his master appointed over his domestics, to give them their food at the proper time? Happy is that slave if his master on arriving finds him doing so. Truly I say to YOU, He will appoint him over all his belongings.

The Watchtower has taken this scripture (which is really a parable) and used it to say that their Governing Body, which now consists of eight old white men and one token black man, is the Faithful and Discreet Slave mentioned in this scripture. Not only that but, in some convoluted way, they have added to the scriptures by saying that the singular slave mentioned in the scripture is really a "class" thus allowing for more than one person in their interpretation of the scripture. So whatever nonsense the Watchtower teaches and whatever ridiculous rules they impose on the witnesses, they can point to this scripture as proof that they God gave them the responsibility of governing His people.

They even use a series of non-related scriptures to "prove" that they are indeed the Faithful and Discreet Slave "class".

It is incredible to believe that thousands and thousands of people believe this baloney, but they do. They lap up this drivel like a kitten does milk.

This is proof that you can twist and turn the scriptures to say anything that you want them to say. Jehovah's Witnesses are masters at this.

Jehovah's Witness Glossary

Street Work - A no-brainer and easy way to "put in your hours", while engaging in the latest juicy gossip with your friends. Just pick a spot, stand there and hope no one approaches you. If you are male, you get to watch the babes at the same time and if you see one that is especially good looking you can approach her and ask her if she wants a free Bible study. Be sure to starch your entire body before you try it out, though.

Kingdom Hall - A building used for Watchtower indoctrination. Could also be a place for fellowship, should anyone actually try to do that. Includes a specially constructed "star chamber" for committee meetings and a tamper-proof safe for the "Flock" book and documents under subpoena. Each Kingdom Hall also includes a back room, to which you will be summoned if you dare to break any of the many rules.

Assembly Hall - An opportunity to sit in one place for many hours and catch up on some much needed sleep, while they give speeches about the same old things you've heard a thousand times before.

The Catholic Church - For years considered by the Watchtower to be the worst of the worst in Christendom or "Babylon the Great". Attitude changed due to current "light", upon the interesting discovery that Watchtower and Roman Catholic Church leadership hierarchies are literally the same: priest-elder, monsignor-Circuit Overseer, bishop-District Overseer, Archbishop-Zone Overseer, Cardinal-Branch Servant, Pope- Governing Body, among a lot of other unique similarities. Not only is the Catholic Church no longer a "snare and a racket", it is being considered as a viable financial advisor to be utilized in protecting the vested interests of the Watchtower. While the Watchtower will never officially admit this, someone took the time to point out to the Watchtower that they lambasted the Catholics for changing their stance on the eating of meat on Fridays, but they themselves never apologized for their ever-changing stances on vaccinations, organ transplants, military service, and blood. No one ever died from not eating meat on Fridays. 'nough said. The Catholic Church is now: not so bad, after all. "Don't point out my skeletons, and I won't point out yours."

Revisionism - A practice frequently used, but regularly denied by the Watchtower.

Funny Watchtower Teaching

For decades the Watchtower taught that Jehovah closed the door to heaven in 1935. In other words, all those who became Jehovah's Witnesses after 1935 had an earthly hope and all those who were witnesses before 1935 had a heavenly hope.

Well, recently, it seems that Jehovah again opened the door to heaven. The Watchtower gave some sort of half-assessed explanation as to why the door opened again, but now if you are a witness and want to go to heaven, you can.

Which religious group goes to stadiums every year, but they have never seen a ball game or a concert?

Jehovah's Witnesses.

Funny Watchtower Teaching

Jehovah's Witnesses believe that Jesus chose the Watchtower Society as the true religion in 1919. All Jehovah's Witnesses know this but they are totally unable to explain it. They just know that the Watchtower Society is "Jehovah's Organization". This ridiculous claim has been repeated so many times in the Watchtower literature that it has become a "truth".

"The historical facts (what historical facts are they talking about?) show that 1919 was the year when the remnant on earth of the 144,000 Kingdom heirs began to be freed from Great Babylon. In that year the message of God's established kingdom began to be preached from house to house and publicly by Jehovah's Christian witnesses in a fearless way." (Are these people nuts, or what?)

As usual when there is not a single shred of any evidence whatsoever for this belief. None. Nada. It doesn't matter because Jehovah's Witnesses believe any stupid or crazy thing the Governing Body says.

Even though the Governing Body of Jehovah's Witnesses claims that they are guided by Holy Spirit, all of the decisions and rules that it makes are decided by a 2/3rds majority vote around a large conference table.

So even a major decision like whether witnesses will take blood transfusions or not can be vacated or upheld by a single vote.

Jehovah's Witness Glossary

Serving For A Date - What Jehovah's Witnesses accuse their fellow members of doing when they actually have to nerve believe and act upon what the Watchtower teaches.

Not Serving For a Date - What Jehovah's Witnesses say when their religion screws up yet another of its predictions.

Put Jehovah First - Going from door to door and leaving books and magazines.

Running Ahead of Jehovah - What someone is doing when he gets something right before the Governing Body gets around to it.

Jehovah's Witness Glossary

Elder - (a) A man who has demonstrated unswerving loyalty to the WTBS by his works and who has been rewarded with the responsibility of "shepherding" over a Congregation; or
(b) A man who is able to hide his true personality and make the congregation believe he is a fine, understanding christian when he is not. This person wants to be an elder simply because of the power he has over others. This person's appointment proves positively that elders are not appointed by Holy Spirit.
Duties of an elder include shepherding (see "Shepherd") teaching, snooping, counseling, reprimanding, reproving, disfellowshipping and ocassionally, spying. Each Officially Approved "Elder's Kit" includes a "secret book", WTBS confidential "forms" to use and send directly to Headquarters Central, and a precision ruler, so be careful of your hair length, gentlemen, and the dress length of your wives!

Ministerial Servant - (a) a wannabe Elder who doesn't yet understand how Congregational politics work;
(b) a former Elder who pissed off another Elder or Elders who had more clout with the Circuit Overseer;
(c) See (b) above.

A Man Who Holds No Position of Reponsibility in the Congregation - One lucky guy. (see "Spiritually Weak".)

A Woman in the Congregation - "Keep your place, little lady. And don't forget that head covering, whether it be a tissue, or a book, or any other ridiculous thing you can find."

Jehovah's Witness Glossary

Apostate - The most evil word in the Jehovah's Witness lexicon. Worse than Satan, worse than demons. Say the word, and watch real TERROR well up in the eyes of a Jehovah's Witness.
Demons - Real SCARY beings. They just can't wait to "get in" to your body and mess you up. A group of bad, bad, spirit entities which somehow love to inhabit used clothing, furniture, lawn chairs, and mostly, apostates, to name a few. They are frequently seen lurking around garage sales, and antique shops.
Jehovah - Scares Jehovah's Witnesses more than apostates, demons, and Satan put together. Scares Jehovah's Witnesses more than any Circuit Overseer ever could, for that matter, or even your typical Elder. Current residence is in, or near the Pleiades Star System. Will strike you dead if you don't attend meetings or go in field service.
Holy Spirit - Some sort of a "force", or something. It acts, but we don't know how it acts, when it acts, and what it acts upon. But it "acts", I guess. This force is supposed to act on God's earthly organization, but we have seen no proof of this.
Internet - Hiding out place for demons and apostates.
The Truth - a series of perpetually changing understanding of prophecy, doctrines, rules and regulations.
New Light is said to get "brighter as that Day approaches". Obviously, then, that "Day" is a long ways off. According to the current "light" as now understood, we may well see another ice age or two before the "truth" really becomes known.

Funny Watchtower Teaching

In order to have God's blessings you must become a Jehovah's Witness. God does not pay attention to any religion other than Jehovah's Witnesses.

So, no matter how good and kind you are or how much you follow the Bible, it will do you no good unless you become one of Jehovah's Witnesses.

Which magazine did the apostle Paul command us to never throw away?

In Ephesians 5:18 Paul admonishes us to "keep Awake"

What happens when the computer of a Jehovah's Witness get a virus?

All of the files are deleted, with the exception of 144,000.

What is the name of Paul's horse?

I don't know, what is it?

Isme?

Isme?

Yes, in the Bible Paul says "Whoa, Isme". (Woe, is me...)

What is the difference between a Volkswagen full of Jehovah's Witnesses and a porcupine?

With the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

What do you get when you cross a devil worshipper with a Jehovah's Witness?

Someone who goes from door to door telling people to go to hell.

Two Jehovah's Witnesses were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. The woman told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to discuss religion and then slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.
Seeing the two Witnesses still standing at the door infuriated her further.
She stormed back to the door and flung it shut, but the door still didn't close.
She grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could, but again, the door wouldn't shut.
Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.
Just then, one of the Jehovah's Witnesses said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."

A pair of Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on the front door of a home. They heard a faint, high pitched, "Come In" from within the house. With some reservations, they turned the doorknob and entered the living room.

Immediately, a huge, snarling Doberman cornered them. Plastered against the wall, they cried out for help, only to again hear the same little voice say "Come In".

Looking around the room, they identified the sound as coming from a cage, within which was a huge parrot!

In fear and frustration, one of the Jehovah's Witnesses shouted at the parrot "Is that all you can say?"
The parrot cocked his head to the side, looking at them very carefully. Then it said, "Sic 'em! Rover"

Squawk!

Just for fun, imagine that heaven is huge skyscraper and the Archangel Gabriel is the elevator-operator. As each new entrant arrives in heaven, Gabriel asks for their religious affiliation, and each is directed by Peter to the appropriate floor:

Gabriel asks, "Religious affiliation?"
"Methodist."
Peter looks down his list, and says, "I'll let you off at floor 24, but everyone please be very quiet as we pass floor 13."
Another arrives at the elevator. "Religious affiliation?"
"Southern Baptist."
"We'll go to floor 66, but everyone please be very quiet as we pass floor 13."
A third arrives. "Religious affiliation?"
"Reformed Jew."
"Get off at floor 10, but everyone please be very quiet as we pass floor 13."
One of the passengers finally asks, "I can understand there being different floors for different religions, but why must we be quiet as we pass the 13th floor?"
"Well, the Jehovah's Witnesses are on that floor, and the loving All-Being has mandated this rule out of sheer kindness" explains the Archangel. "You see, only a small group of them imagined that they would be here in the first place - and they think they're the only ones here."

Jay Leno, the comedian, told this joke:

What does Hannibal Lector call a Jehovah's Witness?

Free delivery!

Flip Wilson, the comedian, told this joke:

I'm a Jehovah's Bystander.

We're like the Witnesses, only we don't wanna get involved.

George Carlin, the comedian, told this joke:

My Avon lady just became a Jehovah's Witness.

That may not mean much to you, but it saves me one more trip to the door.

Where was baseball mentioned in the Bible?

Genesis 1:1. It says "In the big - inning". (In the beginning.)

During the Exodus, which Bible character had no mother and no father?

Joshua, the son of Nun.

When was the game of tennis first mentioned in the Bible?

When Joseph played in Pharoah's Court.

What is the first phone number in the Bible?

ANSWER: Adam ate one too.

What is the difference between a Volkswagen full of Jehovah's Witnesses and a porcupine?

With the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!

A publisher, an elder and a bethelite entered a packed district assembly.

Finally, after searching for a while, the publisher found a free seat and sat down.

In the same moment, he cried out in pain: A long rusty nail had drilled into his ass.

"Oh No" he exclaimed in paid. When the brother next to him asked if he was alright, the publisher ranted, This is Satan's fault! I had to get up this morning at 3 o'clock, get dressed and drive here as fast as possible to find a parking space and then try to find an empty seat. And now that happens! I am also hungry and thirsty and there is nothing to buy and no where to get any food. I can't even see a toilet. Is this Christian love? I'm going home again, bye! Furiously and in rage he left the hall.

Now, after he was gone, the elder came in, found the seat the publisher had just vacated and sat down. When the rust nail drilled into his backside, a paroxysmal jerk went through his body. With an iron expression, immovable, without twitching with an eyelash, he got up, set his tie right, took his books, ballpoint pens, and bag, and whispered in the ear of the brother sitting next to him "Sorry, dear brother. I have to stand up and leave the hall again. Unfortunately, I forgot the manuscript I had prepared for my talk this afternoon. I wish you a nice and edifying day"! With stiff steps, he moved his body up to the exit.

After some time the bethelite came in and took the seat that had been vacated by the publisher and the elder. When the rusty nail bore into his behind the smile on his face became brighter, and his expression was one of contentment and showed fortunate he felt to have taken this particular seat. "Oh, isn't it wonderful and encouraging, brother", he whispered in the ear of the brother sitting next to him, "to really feel the Holy Spirit that emanates from Jehovah's earthly organization?"

Why do Jehovah's Witness women have inverted boobs?

From people pointing there fingers in there chest saying get off my porch!

A Jew, a Hindu and Jehovah's Witness were traveling together along a deserted country road. It was getting late, and the travelers were growing tired. They agreed to stop at the next house and ask for a place to stay the night.

They soon arrived at a small farmhouse. The farmer and his wife offered them shelter for the night, however, there was only room enough for two of the travelers to stay in the house. One of the travelers would have to stay in the barn.

The Hindu was the first to offer to stay in the barn. A brief period of time passed as he went his way to the barn, and the other travelers started preparing to go to sleep. There was a knock at the door, and it was the Hindu: "Oh I am so sorry, but you did not tell me there was a cow in the barn. I cannot sleep there as my religion forbids it." So the Jew decides to go to the barn in his place. It wasn't long before there was another knock on the door. "You should have said you kept a pig in the barn. I can't stay in there, it's against my religion." So finally it falls to the good Jehovah's Witness to spend the night in the barn. He says "Hey no problem! My religion has no restrictions against animals the way yours do. See you in the morning!"

Everyone is finally settling down to sleep, looking forward to a quiet night after the recent confusion. Suddenly, there was another knock at the door. The farmer was getting irritated by this time, and was quite upset as he went to open the door.

It was the cow and the pig.

Jokes or humor in talks from the platform are discouraged.

School Guide Book study 31 p. 193, Respect Shown to Others, says.

"Resist the temptation to make witty remarks just for the sake of making the audience laugh. This detracts from the dignity of the Bible’s message. True, we should take delight in our service to God. There may even be facets of our assigned material that are somewhat humorous. Yet, to reduce serious matters to laughing matters betrays a lack of respect for the audience and for God."

This is especially hard for some of the brothers because the Witness theology is so freaking hilarious.

Three Religious Truths:

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

Jehovah's Witnesses do not recognize each other at the porn shop.

Two missionaries of the Church of Latter-Day Saints were walking down the street when they ran into two Jehovah's Witnesses coming directly at them from the opposite direction.

The witnesses stopped, and one of the Jehovah's Witnesses said, "We don't move for false witnesses."

One of the Mormons said, "We do," and they went around them.

A man went to a pet shop and purchased a parrot. Apparently, the parrot had belonged to a Jehovah's Witness because it kept repeating, "Read the Watchtower and Awake. Avoid wordly associations. The end of this system of things is near." Squawk.

Well, the new owner of the bird attempted to add new vocabulary to the parrot's repertoire with books on tape and contemporary music, but as the months went by it became obvious that nothing could break through. The parrot continued to repeat the standard catchphrases of the Watch Tower Society and nothing else.

The owner finally became frustrated and infuriated and, in a fit of violent anger, threw the parrot across the room. The parrot smashed against the wall, and slid down to the floor, at which point the parrot immediately started squawking: "No Blood! No Blood! No Blood!"

How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?

Nine.

They all live in Brooklyn, and they have to keep changing it every day for "new light."

Q. What do you say to a JW at the height of his career?

A. Big Mac and fries please.

Jesus and Satan were taking a walk along a lonely road

Suddenly Jesus noticed something shiney on the ground. He stopped, picked it up and examined it closely.

"What is it?" Satan asks.

"Truth" Jesus replied.

"Let me have it" Satan said "I'll organize it for you!"