Funny Watchtower Teaching

Matthew 24:45-51 (New World Translation): "Who really is the faithful and discreet slave whom his master appointed over his domestics, to give them their food at the proper time? Happy is that slave if his master on arriving finds him doing so. Truly I say to YOU, He will appoint him over all his belongings.

The Watchtower has taken this scripture (which is really a parable) and used it to say that their Governing Body, which now consists of eight old white men and one token black man, is the Faithful and Discreet Slave mentioned in this scripture. Not only that but, in some convoluted way, they have added to the scriptures by saying that the singular slave mentioned in the scripture is really a "class" thus allowing for more than one person in their interpretation of the scripture. So whatever nonsense the Watchtower teaches and whatever ridiculous rules they impose on the witnesses, they can point to this scripture as proof that they God gave them the responsibility of governing His people.

They even use a series of non-related scriptures to "prove" that they are indeed the Faithful and Discreet Slave "class".

It is incredible to believe that thousands and thousands of people believe this baloney, but they do. They lap up this drivel like a kitten does milk.

This is proof that you can twist and turn the scriptures to say anything that you want them to say. Jehovah's Witnesses are masters at this.

Jehovah's Witness Glossary

Street Work - A no-brainer and easy way to "put in your hours", while engaging in the latest juicy gossip with your friends. Just pick a spot, stand there and hope no one approaches you. If you are male, you get to watch the babes at the same time and if you see one that is especially good looking you can approach her and ask her if she wants a free Bible study. Be sure to starch your entire body before you try it out, though.

Kingdom Hall - A building used for Watchtower indoctrination. Could also be a place for fellowship, should anyone actually try to do that. Includes a specially constructed "star chamber" for committee meetings and a tamper-proof safe for the "Flock" book and documents under subpoena. Each Kingdom Hall also includes a back room, to which you will be summoned if you dare to break any of the many rules.

Assembly Hall - An opportunity to sit in one place for many hours and catch up on some much needed sleep, while they give speeches about the same old things you've heard a thousand times before.

The Catholic Church - For years considered by the Watchtower to be the worst of the worst in Christendom or "Babylon the Great". Attitude changed due to current "light", upon the interesting discovery that Watchtower and Roman Catholic Church leadership hierarchies are literally the same: priest-elder, monsignor-Circuit Overseer, bishop-District Overseer, Archbishop-Zone Overseer, Cardinal-Branch Servant, Pope- Governing Body, among a lot of other unique similarities. Not only is the Catholic Church no longer a "snare and a racket", it is being considered as a viable financial advisor to be utilized in protecting the vested interests of the Watchtower. While the Watchtower will never officially admit this, someone took the time to point out to the Watchtower that they lambasted the Catholics for changing their stance on the eating of meat on Fridays, but they themselves never apologized for their ever-changing stances on vaccinations, organ transplants, military service, and blood. No one ever died from not eating meat on Fridays. 'nough said. The Catholic Church is now: not so bad, after all. "Don't point out my skeletons, and I won't point out yours."

Revisionism - A practice frequently used, but regularly denied by the Watchtower.

Funny Watchtower Teaching

For decades the Watchtower taught that Jehovah closed the door to heaven in 1935. In other words, all those who became Jehovah's Witnesses after 1935 had an earthly hope and all those who were witnesses before 1935 had a heavenly hope.

Well, recently, it seems that Jehovah again opened the door to heaven. The Watchtower gave some sort of half-assessed explanation as to why the door opened again, but now if you are a witness and want to go to heaven, you can.

Which religious group goes to stadiums every year, but they have never seen a ball game or a concert?

Jehovah's Witnesses.

Funny Watchtower Teaching

Jehovah's Witnesses believe that Jesus chose the Watchtower Society as the true religion in 1919. All Jehovah's Witnesses know this but they are totally unable to explain it. They just know that the Watchtower Society is "Jehovah's Organization". This ridiculous claim has been repeated so many times in the Watchtower literature that it has become a "truth".

"The historical facts (what historical facts are they talking about?) show that 1919 was the year when the remnant on earth of the 144,000 Kingdom heirs began to be freed from Great Babylon. In that year the message of God's established kingdom began to be preached from house to house and publicly by Jehovah's Christian witnesses in a fearless way." (Are these people nuts, or what?)

As usual when there is not a single shred of any evidence whatsoever for this belief. None. Nada. It doesn't matter because Jehovah's Witnesses believe any stupid or crazy thing the Governing Body says.

Even though the Governing Body of Jehovah's Witnesses claims that they are guided by Holy Spirit, all of the decisions and rules that it makes are decided by a 2/3rds majority vote around a large conference table.

So even a major decision like whether witnesses will take blood transfusions or not can be vacated or upheld by a single vote.

Jehovah's Witness Glossary

Serving For A Date - What Jehovah's Witnesses accuse their fellow members of doing when they actually have to nerve believe and act upon what the Watchtower teaches.

Not Serving For a Date - What Jehovah's Witnesses say when their religion screws up yet another of its predictions.

Put Jehovah First - Going from door to door and leaving books and magazines.

Running Ahead of Jehovah - What someone is doing when he gets something right before the Governing Body gets around to it.